Iam 36yrs old. I had never run outdoors in my life.
About 8 weeks ago, i decided that i wanted to.... or, it was more organic than that.
I have long long since been a keen walker and could take in the Countryside - whatEVER the weather - for miles.
But i felt a sort of lift in my step. Literally.
My body was whispering "i want to run"
And i had always viewed Running as something terribly serious and very Grown-Up.
"i Run you know, yaaaa i go running"
and all that kit! i would look at Runners and an inner voice might say
(twat - what are you doing outside running with all that stuff on)
And i was scared... to be SEEN... with a sweaty red face and bouncing huge boobs - in public.
It all seemed so undignified.
And i am now, one of those twats - out running - with a red face and with kit!
Not only that, i am telling people all about it!! What is wrong with me?
It is this:
I live in a very small community of friends and neighbours and family.
Daily, i am asked "going to the gym Kirsty" - "Trying to get fit Kirsty" - "you don't need to lose to weight" - "i couldn't run, not for me all that sweating" - "you're overdoing it Kirsty"... people seem to love telling me what i should / should not be doing.
I am both running and weight training at the moment, 5 or 6 times a week because i need to.
I feel exhausted and weak.
I feel 'walked over' and out-of-control with too much responsibility.
I feel desperately alone and like a complete failure.
I don't have low self-esteem, i have no self-esteem.
Weight Training & Running can only be positive things for me right now.
There is no competition and no goals.
I couldn't care if i lost weight or gained enormous huge thighs.
I only care how it feels - in those hours and minutes and seconds where my body shouts:
"Stop Kirsty - it hurts. No more running. The weights are too heavy. You're too busy to go for a run"
and my mind kicks in - my grit and determination to feel like a worthy person
"you can do it Kirsty. You are doing it Kirsty"
There is only me, with myself, just to train.
There is nothing else in my head for that hour or so.
It is such a.... relief!
And when i get home there is only one over-riding feeling: Achievement.
The knowledge that, whatever happend in my day and however negative i feel about myself and my life right now - what i did in my training today, was 'an achievement'.
I did that. So i must still be here.
To validate Oneself.