Failure is not an Option.... Running might be...

 Iam 36yrs old. I had never run outdoors in my life.
About 8 weeks ago, i decided that i wanted to.... or, it was more organic than that.
I have long long since been a keen walker and could take in the Countryside - whatEVER the weather - for miles.
But i felt a sort of lift in my step. Literally.
My body was whispering   "i want to run"
 And i had always viewed Running as something terribly serious and very Grown-Up.
"i Run you know, yaaaa i go running"
and all that kit! i would look at Runners and an inner voice might say
(twat - what are you doing outside running with all that stuff on)

And i was scared... to be SEEN... with a sweaty red face and bouncing huge boobs - in public.
It all seemed so undignified.
 And i am now, one of those twats - out running - with a red face and with kit!
Not only that, i am telling people all about it!! What is wrong with me?

It is this:
I live in a very small community of friends and neighbours and family.
Daily, i am asked "going to the gym Kirsty" - "Trying to get fit Kirsty" - "you don't need to lose to weight" - "i couldn't run, not for me all that sweating" - "you're overdoing it Kirsty"... people seem to love telling me what i should / should not be doing.

I am both running and weight training at the moment, 5 or 6 times a week because i need to.
I feel exhausted and weak.
I feel 'walked over' and out-of-control with too much responsibility.
I feel desperately alone and like a complete failure.
I don't have low self-esteem, i have no self-esteem. 
 Weight Training & Running can only be positive things for me right now.
There is no competition and no goals.
I couldn't care if i lost weight or gained enormous huge thighs.
I only care how it feels - in those hours and minutes and seconds where my body shouts:
"Stop Kirsty - it hurts. No more running. The weights are too heavy. You're too busy to go for a run"
and my mind kicks in - my grit and determination to feel like a worthy person
"you can do it Kirsty. You are doing it Kirsty"
There is only me, with myself, just to train.
There is nothing else in my head for that hour or so.
It is such a.... relief!
And when i get home there is only one over-riding feeling: Achievement.
The knowledge that, whatever happend in my day and however negative i feel about myself and my life right now - what i did in my training today, was 'an achievement'.
I did that. So i must still be here.
To validate Oneself.


15 comments:

Mummy Boo Bear said...

Hi Kirsty,

Good for you! As long as you are fit and healthy and if it is helping you then its got to be a positive thing.

Hope the crap things ease up in your life for you very soon.

Love your blog by the way you are very lovely and talented.


MBB x

Amanda said...

Oh how I envy you. I haven't been able to exercise for a couple of years because of a knee problem and how I miss it. Not because it made me lose weight, not because it gave me big muscles but because of how it made me feel - GREAT.

Keep on running :)

Heather said...

Canoeing (in Cropredy on the canal) was always my therapy. I don't live there anymore, but I wish I still did canoeing. My family are still there, still canoeing. If you want a new group of people to meet that are separate from anyone you already knew, they're a ready made bunch right there.xxxxx

Victoria said...

There is nothing like a bit of running outdoors for clearing your head and the sense of achievement the first time you run 5, then 8, then 10K. And the weight training I love too - I am fitter, faster and stronger at 40 than I was at 20. What's not to love about that?!

PaperFish! said...

and blogging - it's nice to hear your stories x

PaperFish! said...

never to take our health for granted. It is all you come into the world with and all you will leave with.

daisy daydreams said...

You go girl. Im cancelling my gym membership - what a complete waste of money, I actually hate going too - would rather go out in the countryside near my home for a bike ride. I have been wanting to take up running for ages now, but have found running on the treadmill really hard. How far do you run at a time and how did you start - tiny steps Im guessing. Take care Amanda....x

nikkijoy said...

Hehe this is my favourite blog post I've read in ages. "I am now ont of those twats!"
I've been meaning to get back into running for a while now, I really want to run a half marathon to raise money for charity! =) x

The Rainbow Room said...

Kirsty a twat...NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! You are one inspiring lady, even if you do go running ; ) Everyone needs an escape, your choice is 'your choice' and it could be worse!
I love Roller Derby and swimming in the Med *dreams of warm turquoise sea*
HAPPY ESCAPING - you deserve it!

PaperFish! said...

Roler Derby! Hardcore.
I think i am just too nervous generally, about being a 'twat'!
xx i have 10mnths gym membership left then i am going to cancel but they have a pool.... and a sauna...., mmmmm
I started so slow - i am still slow! just got to 7k last week and i want to do 10k.

::cupcakesandbiscuits:: said...

Your strength is in there waiting to be found again I am sure.....I so have an idea for something I must make you, idea just needs a little tweaking.....
I would love a long list of what you have noticed has changed, am very curious.
x

Abbiefh said...

Your post has inspired me to get on those trainers again and get running. Thank u :-)

Ms C @ HappyElastic said...

So glad it is helping you. I really know what you mean with the no self esteem. I used to run and may give it another go at some point, I'm not well at the moment and it would be too much. Frustrating as I would like to lose some weight!

PaperFish! said...

Ah, i want to inspire - that is a good thing. I get inspired by my friends too x

Naomi said...

Hi Kirsty,

This post inspired me to go for a jog this morning, thanks for the inspiration.

Naomi

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